BRAToSPHERE

Tag: humour

  • >New Year Resolutions

    >Now this is one funny thing that I have not understood for many years now. Why do people have new year resolutions? 99% of them are done with it by January end itself, and the remaining 1% wean away gradually I am sure. So why have it?

    As one of my friend has it on her Gtalk status – “people who don’t keep their new years resolutions are weak people, and those who actually make new year resolutions are fools!”

    What’s the difference b/w a New Year resolution and this blog?

    A. You at least follow the latter! (picked this one from the MTVINDIA twitter stream)

    I remember the last new years party in campus last year. Srini who was trying hard to quit smoking, comes over to me and Abhinav, and asks for a cigarette.

    He had just got refused by Chitta.

    Bharat: “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking”

    Srini: “I’m in the process of quitting”, he replies with a grin on his face.“

    Srini: “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

    Abhinav: “Phase one?”

    Srini: “Yeah.. I’ve quit buying!!”

    Needless to say, the cigarette remained lit for the entire year, and yes he did buy many a times. On his was to car dealers, in Mumbai local trains, he had to.

    Talking more about resolutions, I wondered how a resolution list of people would look across the years.

    Lazy reader

    2006: I will read at least 20 books a year
    2007: I will read all of Chetan Bhagat’s books
    2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
    2009: I will read at least one article this year.
    2010: I will try to glance at RK laxman’s cartoon everyday this year!!

    An Overweight guy

    2006: I will reduce to 80Kg.
    2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
    2008: I will work out 5 days a week.
    2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
    2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week!

    An extravagant woman

    2006: I will not spend my money frivolously.
    2007: I will pay off my credit card bills without fines
    2008: I will be totally out of debt by the year end
    2009: I will try to pay off the debt interest by the year end
    2010: I will try to be out of the country before getting thrown into jail!

    A poor husband

    2007: I will try to be a better husband to pooja
    2008: I will not leave pooja
    2009: I will try for reconciliation with pooja
    2010: I will try to be a better husband to Shilpa!

    Again, a poor husband (come on, he deserves it!!

    2007: I will stop looking at other women.
    2008: I will not get involved with Shilpa.
    2009: I will not let Shillpa affect my marriage
    2010: I will stop looking at other women!! (there it starts again!)

    An Alcoholic

    2007: I will not take a drink before 8PM
    2008: I will not touch the bottle before 4PM
    2009: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
    2010: I will not miss my appointments with the liver doctor!!

    A nerd

    2005: When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
    2006: I will stop sending e-mail, gmail, webmail and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
    2007: I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
    2008: will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
    2009: I will not subscribe to an unlimited internet connection!
    2010: I will not miss my appointments with the ophthalmologist.

    Well, these were the resolutions of different kind of people. Coming to my own list:-

    1. Give up smoking (again).
    2. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby. (really!)
    3. Get organized. (yeah sure, and well buying an organizer does not fulfil this resolution)
    4. Become more security conscious. (whose security?)
    5. Be more regular on this page (this one i am serious)
    6. Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January! (ahem! Well.. lets see!)
    7. Stop procrastinating. Will start this from 11th jan, come on it’s a weekend, and last week I was busy.

    Happy new year once again.

    Quotes
    New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. -Mark Twain

    Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account – Oscar Wilde

  • >Targets on a new year

    >Well, one more year passed and quite an eventful year it was. What’s so great about the New Year dawning in then? Nothing really. It is just, that time of the year, where the calendar and the diary need to be replaced. People go to all extent and wish many other things changed! Hello, it is just a change in the year – 2009 to 2010.

    After partying hard last night, I slept at about 2AM something. At 7AM, my new blackberry started ringing, and woke me up. Damn! I should have disabled the alarm. My prayer to God in the morning –
    God Bhai (well, this is the way I refer to him).. So far this year I’ve done well.
    I haven’t boasted, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been grumpy, cribbing, greedy, selfish, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, boss, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help. Please help.

    This is the way life is – nothing much changes in a single day. Just because the year changed does not mean anything changes.

    Talking about the party last night – it was an amazing party. I went there with three other friends, and it was “drinks unlimited”. I had made up this resolution (more about them later) to reduce the intake of alcohol and save the liver from cribbing. But well, unlimited drinks dude, I had to reach my target (sales ka banda hun!). I pretty much got drunk.

    I got a call from a good friend, MoBulAri at about 10PM.

    Bharat: “yeah dude.. happy new year.. slurp!”

    MoBulAri (MBA): “dude.. these things can wait. Have any idea if any bookstore would be open now?”

    Bharat: “ bookstore.. try the airport, no other reason why anybody should open shop at his time? By the way, why do you want a book shop now?”

    MBA: “My wife saw this dream in the afternoon where I gave her a diamond ring”

    Bharat: “Aha!” (should he not be asking for a jewellery shop? When did they start stocking diamonds at bookshops? Hope he is not referring to Arindham Chaudhari’s book!)

    MBA: “And she asked me what does the dream mean?”

    Bharat: “Aha.. slurp” (dude, unlimited beer inside, don’t waste my time)

    MBA: “So, I want to gift her this book – THE MEANING OF DREAMS!”

    Bharat: “%&^ $%&^$% $&$^% phone rakh saale!”

    I was back to the party, cribbing to Ahen how MBA (referring to MoBulAri here, not the last two years in Lucknow) wasted time – precious time, when beer is served unlimted. I so wish I had powers like a camel, where I could store all the beer needed inside somewhere! I ran to the bartender (oh btw, they had female bartenders here. Ooh!)

    There was VJ bani of MTV fame, and she did a good job of keeping the crowd occupied. At about 11:30PM, she announced it was time to get ready. (for what?)

    She announced that there are just 30minutes to go for the new years eve, and she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

    Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death. And the wives were just looking, more concerned about their appearance, than the behavior.

    The party went on well, and I had set targets which I over achieved. Yes, I am a sales guy, and targets are something that drives me.

    At about 10PM, I realized that I had just downed one beer, and it dawned that I should be extracting more bang out of it. So, I set myself a target of 6 beers before the clock strikes 12 midnight. It was mutually signed off with Ahen.

    11:30PM. Damn I just finished my fourth beer, and only half an hour to go. The bartender was totally crowded by swarms of people (thank you Bani), but I did manage to squeeze in and asked for two bottles in one go.

    With time running, I had no other option but to do a “rang de basanti” with the first bottle (drink the entire bottle of beer in one go!). I did. 11:40PM, and I had one more to go. Was the target too much? Should I actually revise it? NO. targets are always stretched, else they would not be called targets. Damn it. I have to finish the sixth bottle.

    Slowly gulping it down, not caring for anyone close by, I did finish the 6th bottle, and heard Bani announce – “5 more minutes left!”. Yes, I completed my target well before the closing, and I still have time. I should now strive for the awards. Over achieve it.

    After a tough ordeal at the bar, I managed a bottle of beer, and was again drinking. My friends at this time, were wondering if I had fallen off somewhere. No guys! I am just running.. running ahead of the targets.

    The clock struck 12, people cheered, crackers bursted, we hugged, and here I had my seventh bottle in hand – half done.

    Awesome feeling. Targets overachieved. Achievement : 108% (do the math!). Great beginning to a new year. See even i get carried away by this change in one day thing!

    Well anyways, to all my blog readers – A very Happy new year to you!! have a RoKing time ahead!!

  • >Sach ka saamna – tagged!

    >Getting tagged is something that was very much in vogue when I started blogging (2005 puff! Its been a long time!!!). Now here, I am again tagged by my good friend Varun Reddy, and I thought it has really been long that I have done something like this, so why not give it a try!

    Before starting, I would like to take the oath on the sacred Geeta (seen it many hindi movies) – “Mein jo kahunga sach kahunga.. aur sach ke sivay aur kuch nahi kahunga!”

    Tagged By: Varun Reddy (U got me here dude!)
    The ground rules
    RULE 1- You can only say Guilty (means YES) or Innocent (means NO)
    RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
    RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete mine and type in your answers and tag your friends to answer this.

    I have always been an iconoclast, without much adherence to rules n crap, so RULE 2 I am sorry. I will have to explain at some places to make it more readable.

    Also, RULE 3, I am sorry, as I don’t think I should compulsorily tag a few names and then get accused of missing out on others. I don’t even want to be in that phase where I keep sulking, that someone I have tagged has not cared to answer.

    So, I rather make this appeal, that everyone reading this should answer these questions, and get some bhoj out of them!

    Let me begin…

    Asked someone to marry you? Guilty (well, wish you a very happy married life. )

    Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Guilty ( well, not the kiss kiss kinds, it was just a normal game of truth or dare!!)

    Danced on a table in a bar? Guilty (not exactly in a bar, but on a table in public yes, and yes I was drunk!)

    Ever told a lie? Guilty (may times)

    Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Guilty (Long story, will take a complete post!)

    Kissed a picture? Innocent (why??)

    Slept in until 5 PM? Guilty (Many a times!)

    Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty (Well, I am from a B-School!)

    Held a snake? Guilty (Snake park in Chennai!)

    Been suspended from school? Guilty (well!)

    Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent. ( I so regret this, I want to have this kinda experience!)

    Stolen from a store? Guilty (remember stealing a bar of 5-star when I was 12 years old something. The irony – I now work for a chocolate company!)

    Been fired from a job? Innocent. (I am still on my first job!)

    Done something you regret? Innocent (No regrets, this is the life mantra. The bad phases due to some avoidable doing is just a learning. No regrets!)

    Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Innocent (now why would that happen)

    Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent (Snowflake??, I think a more relevant to India question would be “caught a fly on your tongue?”. The answer for this could be “Guilty”. It was unintentional though)

    Kissed in the rain? Innocent (In the rain! One more thing that I desperately want to do)

    Sat on a roof top? Guilty (Everyday!)

    Kissed someone you shouldn’t? Innocent. (what do you mean by shouldn’t. I am not killing anyone!)

    Sang in the shower? Guilty (Everyday again! I dare not do that in the open, so the shower is the safest place to vent out my throat muscles to stretch )

    Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty (many a times. Thank you bro.. this is the way he has thought me swimming)

    Shaved your head? Guilty. (heard of tirupati balaji!)

    Had a boxing membership? Innocent. (again I wish I did, atleast the card would have scared many people!)

    Made a girlfriend cry? Guilty or innocent (No comments!)

    Been in a band? Innocent. ( I wish I did, even tried playing the guitar. Thanks you Puneet. Realized soon enough that it was not meant for me! Thank you bro, for making me realize this!)

    Shot a gun? Guilty (yes, the ones we used to get during diwali!)

    Donated Blood? Innocent (scared!)

    Eaten alligator meat? Innocent. (I wish I get to eat it someday!)

    Eaten cheesecake? Guilty (why not?)

    Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent (again what do you mean by you shouldn’t?)

    Have/had a tattoo? Guilty (yeah, Bubbaloo has tattoo promo running right now and it is cool. Marketing it through every channel)

    Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty (now those silent crushes I am sure everyone has.

    Been too honest? Guilty (dangerously so)

    Ruined a surprise? Guilty (Sorry bro, I did tell mom that I was sending the gifts!, So ruined the surprise that my bro wanted to give my parents)

    Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards? Guilty (I know, it does not show in my flabber)

    Erased someone in your friends list? Innocent (what difference would it make?)

    Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? Innocent. (fetish, will sure try it out someday!)

    Joined a pageant? Innocent. (Nah!)

    Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty (many a times, and I would totally want to believe that they completely meant what they said

    Had communication with your ex? Guilty (han, we still talk regularly)

    Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Guilty (this is something I consider brings in good luck. Was totally drunk before CAT, JMET and even the investment management exam in L. it has worked. Whisky it has to be)

    Got totally angry that you cried so hard? Innocent. (why cry when angry?)

    Huh! Now I understand what do people go through when they are sitting on the wrong side of the table during “sach ka saamna” kind of shows. The sense of humuor needs to be at its best while answering any of the questions.

    So, that was it guys. I now request you to take it forward and let it out!

  • >Snippets

    >idle browsing through the internet prompted me to start this. Small snippets of the interesting (to me!) happenings in and around out little world.

    Sorry if most of these are marketing related events, but can’t help. You can’t expect a chocolate salesman to write about Rocket launches and underground sewage system right!

    What next?

    Lazy people, and insomniacs demand an apology from karan johar. The movie’s title has hurt their sentiments. Why should someone force me to wake up. This is a free country, and I have all the right to keep sleeping, with anyone er! I mean anytime.

    Two months here in delhi has made me literally fall in love with the city. Everything out here is amazing. Especially the food. There are so many eateries, offering a wide range of options to satisfy every pocket. In fact, my favourite part in MINT is their weekend mid page where they have a tie up with TIME OUT, listing all the happenings in the metro. The food section there gets the most time share.

    One more addition to the same is PlanForMe.com, a one-stop solution for all planning needs related to the food and hospitality industry, with its new print avatar of the website, in the form of a magazine called Food and Nightlife.

    It is being positioned as a Delhi-centric magazine. With a cover price of Rs 30, the 60-page magazine will have an initial print run of 50,000 copies. Editorial content will form 70 per cent of the pages, while the remaining 30 per cent will be advertisements.

    An the best part, By the end of this financial year, PlanForMe will be operational in Mumbai and Pune. By 2010, the company hopes to expand its reach to all the metros.

    Though I am not all that a big foodie, who does not like good food?

    Coming to the basic needs of life – mobile phones. no hello! it is no more the luxury it was a couple of years back. Now everyone holds a mobile. infact, a recent article in ET states that many indians actually have more than a single connection. trust india on extracting the maximum of schemes. i work for an MNC, selling chocoltes, and deal with distributors and retailers on a daily basis. trust me, even a 1% scheme, which might ammount to less than a few hundreds in a transaction of about a lakh matters a lot.

    Anyways, coming back to the core issue – mobile phones. How many of you feel you are addicted to your mobile?. 99 out of 100 would refuse and claim that it is just another thing. But well, I firmly believe that 99 of 100 are actually addicted! Okay. Debatable.

    Okay, chuck that. How many of you actually sleep with the mobile phone next to you?. A vast majority I am sure. A study says, “more than four in 10 Americans say they “can’t live” without their mobile phone and and nearly half sleep with it nearby”, according to a global mobile-phone survey from Synovate, which found that cellphones are increasingly becoming consumers’ “remote controls for life.”

    This issue is something I have been working on for the past couple of months. Diwali gifting.

    With the festive season well underway, people are gradually loosening their purse strings. Freebies, gift packs, discounts – FMCG players have pulled out all stops to attract customers. Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dabur and Parle are some players that have come up with attractive schemes as in the previous years. All major players are eyeing 25-30 per cent growth in sales during the festive season. And well, my company is aiming much more than that. A never before seen spectacle.

    Coca-Cola with its ‘Coca-Cola Khushiyan Replay’ consumer promotion campaign, a computer generated lucky draw would provide consumers with a chance to win Camcorders every hour for the next 40 days

    Not to be left behind, PepsiCo India has come up with no less than eight different kinds of beverage gift packs consisting of its brands – Pepsi, 7Up, Mirinda and Tropicana, along with gift packs of snacks brands like Kurkure, Lays and Leher Namkeen. Damn! Direct competition. “Chitta, yeh teri boundary hai.. aur yeh meri. Mere area mein aake maal mat bechna!”
    Can Dabur remain far? They have started selling gift packs with health as the selling point. Along with the real juice packs, the ‘Gift of good living’ – a container consisting Chyawanprash, Honey and Squeezy Honey would try to further the basic brand appeal – health.

    Parle is also participating in the race, giving away free gift packs of Hide & Seek, Milano and assorted biscuits.

    And who creates this category? Who shifts the consumer from the traditiona mithai and the dry fruits gifting of Diwali? more on that soon.

    Last summer, during my stay at home, I was filled with nostalgia when I spoted a young cousin of mine reading the latest issue of Tinkle. I, like many of my age, have grown with Tinkle, chacha choudhary and the likes. And now Suppandi – the funny simpleton character from the magazine, is set to jump out from comic strips to the silver screen. ACK Media is producing a stereoscopic three-dimensional animation film, with Suppandi as the main character. The film would hit cinema halls in November 2010.

    So these are small random items to keep you occupied before you read the rest of my weekend. I have already written it, and it has gone seven seas across for proof reading and editing. Will post it once it is approved!

  • >management funda in reaching the station

    >I am sitting here at the busy railway station and writing this article, waiting.

    After sleeping at 3AM, on a Saturday night what time do you expect one to wake up on a sunday morning? Not before noon atleast, no matter what. The just gone Saturday was no different. We started drinking right from 10PM, and went on and on. After finishing off all the stock in the huge 165 litre refrigerator at about 2AM, Kapil gets this idea to go out for an ice cream. Not that we wanted to eat an ice cream, but just for the heck of it. We agreed.

    So, after an ice cream and then a conference call in the balcony, we managed to sleep at 3AM. I set an alarm on my N72 for 6AM. What? 3 hours. You want to wake up at 6AM on a Sunday morning? Have you gone crazy?
    Nah! I have a train to catch.

    I am going to Chandigarh for a week for my upcountry stint.
    Next day morning, at 6AM sharp the alarm started ringing on my cellphone. I have on purpose set a very irritating tone, so that it drives me crazy and I get compelled to wake up. I have been using this technique, and this very tone, right since my MBA days. I also always keep the mobile a little far from the bed, such that I would have to get up from the bed to switch it off.

    But damn the snooze option on the mobile, I picked up the phone from the dressing table, put it on snooze and went back to sleep! I kept doing this for the next half an hour, or probably a little more.

    At about 6:40, I happened to glance at the clock on the mobile screen and I was like,” what the fuck?.. I am Late!”. The train is scheduled to depart at 7:40, and the station is a good 45minutes journey by an auto. I am doomed.

    I completed the morning ablutions in a whisker, changed and after bidding a good bye (I just shouted to the sleeping mates informing them that I am leaving), I left home. As usual, Malviya nagar is the only area in Delhi probably, where the auto guys feel more comfortable travelling without any passenger on their back seat.

    After some negotiations (against my favour), and convincing (more of begging!), one auto guy agreed to come over for 90 bucks. The normal journey is charged at about 70 something. I did not really have the time to negotiate. This is at 7:10, and the train departs in another half an hour, there is no way that I could reach the station.

    I kept pressurizing him to drive fast, and I urging him again and again. I had an unlit cigarette in my hand, which was not getting lighted due to the high speed of the auto, and the flowing wind, but I was more concerned about the speed of the auto. i just kept holding it.

    I was so wishing that there be some system (or its failure), like in the movie SPEED, where the bus should not be below a particular limit of speed else it would blow up.

    After about 10 minutes I ask him, “bhaiyya, aur kitna time lagega?”

    He replies, “yahan se.. kam se kam 20 minute to lagenge”

    That makes it 7:35. That would imply that I will have to miss the train. No! this can’t happen, and I realize I have to convince him hard. This talk happens at a red crossing, and I light the cigarette taking advantage of the lack of motion in the auto.No, I want the damn thing to be in motion, in full throttle.

    I again tell him in a desperate manner, “bhaiyya jaldi please, fast. Meri train 7:30 ko hai”

    (Management funda: keep some buffer for yourself)

    Even in sales or any field for that matter, every level of the hierarchy has some extra buffer target for himself, and sets a slightly higher target when apportioning his target to the sub-ordinates.

    He replies, “Arrey, aap to late ho jaenge sir. Thodi jaldi nikalna tha na!”

    This is how a saleman would reply while taking note of his targets. He would try his best not to accept the target, and keep cribbing that it is too high. Acceptance of defeat even before the war has started.
    Now he is started zooming the vehicle but I am not convinced.

    Yeah, as if I don’t know that i should have started early. Now I have got late, and lets do something about it. I try using the next funda of management.

    (Management funda: Incentivize!)

    I try making him believe, without making it explicit that he would get more money if I reach in time for the train.

    It seems to be working, he has set the vehicle in full throttle, but probably he could do more. Now getting to the next principle,

    (management Funda: Motivate and make him accountable.)

    I try sweet talking to him, without disturbing his concentration on the road. I tell him inspiring things like, “Bhaiyya, ab aapke saath hun to aapko time par pahunchana hi padega. yeh aapka farz banta hai”.

    I try to make him realize that it is like a question of his competency. These are the moments when his true skills are under test, and I also try to make him proud of his years of experience (18 years in this case). Ultimately, he is made to believe that his passengers should reach in time wherever they want to, and this becomes his most important KPI (key performance indicator). This is the pride of work that he lives for everyday, drives an auto all day.

    Now the final nail, the traffic signals. He is still forced to stop at the signals, though it serves no purpose. It just delays my journey to the station.

    (Management funda: authorize!)

    I request him to jump traffic signals, and assure that I would pay the fine if any. I convince him that there are no cops around, and even try to keep in good humour by joking that all the policemen would be busy sleeping on their beds, afterall it is a Sunday morning.

    He zooms, and I am at the station at 7:35 sharp! Huh! 5 more minutes left. Thanxs for the buffer time . It is so really important. We should probably have a complete elective on this in B-Schools.

    I run towards the platform, asking passersby which platform is the shatabdi on.

    It is on platform 2, or rather it was. I run towards the platform. I am on the foot over bridge and I can see the train moving! I run at the top of my speed, with two bags hanging on my shoulders, and screech down the stairs. still puffing!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ..3 and a half hours later..
    .
    .
    .
    it is 11:15AM and I am still at the station waiting.

    .
    .
    .
    .
    Well, at the Chandigarh station!, waiting for Rajeev to pick me up. Yes, I did catch the train!

    Now all ready for one complete week in upcountry parwanoo away from the hustle-bustle of city life.