BRAToSPHERE

Tag: humour

  • Why do you get married – II

    In continuation to the previous post – Don’t marry! Be happy! ( Line from a famous Telugu movie starring Nagarjuna).

    Well, as I have already stated and made my stand very very clear – don’t ever rush into this whole thing called marriage. These seven pheras, take less than seven minutes to be done, but binds you for seven lives.( okay, at least for this one life, you are bound for life!).

    The big fat Indian wedding is a major event in our culture, and I don’t have the numbers, but am sure it is one of the biggest economy driving events in the country. Just imagine the sheer amount of crazy money spent on these do’s.

    Parents start thinking of it right since their bear a child, girls plan it once they turn 15 (Even Barbie dolls in indian bridal wear is hit), Films and TV make crores and some more crores out of this one saga – -Indian Marriage (Sooraj Barjatya is still counting his crores!).

    Coming to the core of the issue, why do you want to get married? I don’t really have an answer, and have not got a convincing one yet. Here I tell you, why you should not get married –

    Expenses

    It tires me to see that finance guys are the first ones to get married. Guys, now you should be the first ones to know that your expenses shoot up like crazy once you get married. That black sedan you have been eying since long, will now be a longer dream, or even convert to a normal hatchback reality.

    I remember a friend of mine, a girl who recently got married, often saying this – “ After marriage the girls income doubles and the guy’s halves!” Nothing could be truer.

    Okay, I know the dowry system in india works to bypass this negative, but well that is a one time payment! Fin guys, you should know this.

    Compromise

    “Hey dude lets go out to the sports bar today after office to catch up with the ManU match”. I dare not ask this question to a married guy with the fear of being a “jalan par namak chidana”.

    Compromise, as it is defined, is an agreement reached by mutual adjustment and it is impossible to make a marriage work without it. Remember, “Haan maine compromise kiya.. lekin compromise kaun nahi karta?” That is the reality!

    You like Chinese, she likes continental. Compromise. You like Comedy movies, she likes drama? Compromise. Even the remote control to your own 42” LED TV would become a matter of compromise.

    Adventurous

    I happened to meet Akshay Kumar in a Company event yesterday, and a member from the audience very openly asked him – “pehle to theek hai, lekin abhi shaadi aur bache ke baad how do you convince them to agree on your stunts?”. No Answer!

    What? You want to drive down to Nandi hills in the middle of the night after being decently drunk? Go get a divorce lawyer first.

    Friends

    Again, Sorry. Your weekends will all be spent with your wifey, not leaving anytime for a beer binge. On Friday evenings, you would just have to whine at your home and watch TV, while the luckier ones get to drink and play poker all night!

    And well, even if you are able to convince your “better half” of the evening out with friends, be prepared to lose all your money in poker talking on the phone – “yes baby. Will not drink much baby. Will sure get the bread and eggs on the way back!”. So much, that you stand the risk of not being invited again from the next weekend onwards.

    Housework

    Socks lying here and there, and the underwear on the fridge. Get them out immediately dude, you are now married, living with someone who thinks they are the most civilized people on the planet!

    Cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, dusting – all of these become part of your normal life, and in all probability would find way in your weekend timetable!

    Guests

    Wife’s third cousin is in town? You have to host him, and be nice to him. Treat him with all the niceties, and most importantly spend time with him.

    Even your relatives would start expecting that you now behave like a family man, and host people in a similar way.

    Explanations

    You got of your hometown after engineering so that you would not have to explain that late night out and the beer, and now you want to again invite the same discipline back on your head? All the best!

    And well, the most important reason to not get married to seek happiness – it does not last forever.  Even sex starts feeling like bland curry. Diamonds do last forever.

    Disclaimer: These two posts have been written with a funny vein, and I have nothing against marriage. I strongly believe in it, and as they say, the views expressed above are purely blogsake, and I don’t endorse them at all. Don’t sue me!

  • We are like that only!

    Now, with the new revamped blog, er! Sphere! I promise to blog more frequently, and what better way to start this off than ranting about the way we are. We Indians are!

    • A homemaker lady would  fight to save a few rupees arguing with the neighboring vegetable vendors over the price of a potato, or a tomato. At the same time, the same lady would also fight in restaurants, to pay. When she along with a group of friends go to a restaurant, after the routine regular shopping outings, each of the ladies would go for the bill vying to pay it.
    • Everything in our country takes just one minute, or so we are told. No matter when you give your vehicle for service, go back to the mechanic at the schedule pick up time, and he would be like, “one minute sir! Abhi ho jaega!”. No prizes for guessing, it would take atleast an hour more.
    • Remember storing all the small items at some place at your home.  Every Indian home has the huge space built atop the cupboards exactly for that. Everything that is plastic ( be it glasses, cups, or even plastic covers that come free after shopping in a super market), we store them religiously. At the same time, we try covering up everything possible in the same plastics. The table top, the TV, fridge, even the study table, everything needs to be covered up in some plastic cover.
    • Well, cricket is religion. The easiest way to start a conversation with somebody Indian is to discuss the highest number of runs scored by God! We do take cricket seriously. Infact, a bit too seriously, so much, that it is declared a holiday when there is a cricket match happening. Now you know why IPL was scheduled in the evening, IST. No, not for the convenience. More to avoid people getting fake stomach aches, and fake grandma’s from dying during the day!
    • One thing is taken even more seriously than cricket – MOVIES. This phenomena is much much more in the southern part of the country, where movies are a religion, and the actors, Gods. People die buying tickets for their idols first day morning show. Queues start two days in advance before the tickets start selling. And full length fights occur in case of anybody demeaning any star. Well, my engineering college was shut for a week, during my second year, just because someone had abused a popular( really!) actor by naming his Counter Strike avatar after the famous Balayya.
    • Inspite of the technology advancing so much, and electric rice cookers and microwaves becoming very much affordable by everyone, we still need pressure cookers. Well, along with the pressure cookers we better ensure that we also have smoke alarms!
    • Ever eaten in Andhra Pradesh. Okay, Andhra happens to be the chilli capital of the country, with red chillis being an important crop. That does not mean all food is substituted by red chillies. We inevitably end up eating more spice than food, and this is true across the country. Even more stranger is having more food than the plate can hold!

    Dosa
    Indian Dosa
    • One very important things that stands true is the ability( rather inability) to say NO. not many of can very easily say NO to anything. More peculiar about this is the way we say NO. We shake our head left and right. Well, we also say YES in the same way – Shake our head left and right!

    WE ARE LIKE THAT ONLY, and this has no bearing with Rama Bijapurkar!

    p.s.: this post is inspired from this video by trueroots WE ARE LIKE THAT ONLY!

  • >e-STALKING

    >My last post on loneliness was received pretty well and before you start assuming things, let me make it very straight – I have a good sense of Observation! true story!

    one particular line which received the maximum comments and brickbats was, “You still frequent the orkut/ FB profiles of your EXs”


    Well, this is very very true, and 98.89% of the LOO affected junta do this. The remaining 1.11%( i did not use a calculator to calculate this!) have been deleted from the friends list, or more worse the account of the ex has itself been deleted (“I want to start a new life fresh ,without any hangovers!”)


    In this context, the ever innovating facebook should sure get this app on.


  • >Akele hai.. to kya ghum hai??

    >Okay, I accept I have been single for pretty much too long now, and there is this sense of duty, that I should write something about it.
    Along with a score of other problems in life, and the many diseases in india, there is a very recent ( or was it there since ages?) one which has been inflicting young just passed B-school grads. It is called LOO.
    No, it is not the disease of going to the loo again and again. That particular disease is called by some other sophisticated name, and will hit all the above TG surely but probably after the age of 40. The LOO that I am talking about is “Lack of opportunity”
    This is due to the fact that the two years in campus puts in so much pressure and so much expectations, that you start feeling like God, and ignore the more important lesser things in life like Love. So you start ignoring your girl ( it is a very male centric post!), who was very much responsible for you being in the B-School in the first place. Don’t worry I would not be ranting about why one should not do this. There is simply no remedy.
    This new disease affects primarily those who say yes to one or more of the written things( these are the symptoms):

    • A decent pay package and a big brand name behind them conditions them to think they are the most eligible singles existing on this planet and re-ignition of old flames will happen soon (statistics say 98% B-schoolers try and woo their old connections once they reach a self satisfying stature, financially). F%^#$er, forgot the way you treated her when she was all wooed by you.
    • You think its no time for flings because you are 25-26-27 and its time for shaadi.
    • Work has put you in Indore, Raipur, Bhopal, HUBLI where you can find no one who matches you ‘mental frequency’, and you spend the day matching waves with the wholesaler to sell one more box of candies!

    What everyone fails to realize is how most of their batch mates would be feeling the same way. (Others just got married!)
    Now what do such sick people do?? 




    Arranged Marriage!!


    Yes, the very institution that they were so against, now becomes the only resort. They are so bored of staying alone, earning decent money, having everything that money can buy but having nothing to spend on, that they surrender. The worst part is that that they don’t realize that they are desperate. It happens.. it happens when you’ve been single for too long.
    This arranged marriage thingie takes some time to be executed, partly because the guy is still living in a small tinge of hope, and majorly because.. “ arrey yaar, aajkal acchi ladkiyan kahan milti hai!!”.
    So, during this wait, as a medicine to this disease, you do the following.

    • Get drunk and bask in glory of those days when your (X) girl friend got jealous when you spoke to a firang who came to visit the campus for a few days as a part of exchange.
    • You still frequent the orkut/ FB profiles of your EXs
    • You see them green on gtalk, you think for a split second, ‘should I , should I not start the conversation?’
    • You sit in a coffee shop without company, you order a drink( has to be Black coffee, after love Aaj kal!) and start calling your friends.
    • You crib too much about work
    • You realize you haven’t refused a single party invitation in last 6 months (you definitely wanna get noticed, get hooked)
    • Before a train journey starts, you frantically hope that may someone interesting occupies the seat beside you. Check the chart outside the compartment for the required age and gender.
    • In a gathering you suddenly come up with the announcement, “I wanna go to the Himalayas, I need to spend some time with myself( or, I should just join a Buddhist camp and become a part time Monk, I need to discover my inner self.)”
    • Suddenly after reaching your hometown, you feel like a lost puppy coz no one else is single anymore!( you feel the same on FB too!!)

    For all such people, who are now certified patients of LOO, i just have one thing to say.. “Akele hai.. to kya gum hai” ( paas mein Rum hai na!!!)
    And as is in vogue, keep saying to anyone who asks the reason you are still single.. I HATE LUV STORY’s

  • >Post it

    >Well, already posted. now what??? 🙂

    i am sure we have all seen those tiny sheets of colourful paper on everybody’s desk, with some crap written on it.

    Post it notes, as we know are those yellow cute looking small pages that are stuck all around the office desk just to prove that the owner of the desk actually works very hard.

    Wiki defines it thus, “A Post-it note is a piece of stationery with a re-adherable strip of adhesive on the back, designed for temporarily attaching notes to documents and other surfaces.”. Ah! Just a small iece of yellow paper, having one small side with adhesives.

    Of late, the use of post it notes has increased from its normal usage. We use it for different things, to do different activities, and we even use it online. Some of the funny things possible with the innocent loking, un suspicious post it notes :

    1. Use sticky notes to leave messages on a door – do not do this at home if you have security problems.
    2. Use them as temporary design elements that can be moved around.
    3. Add a sticky note to food items to let people know any number of things, such as date of use, who the food is for, what the ingredients are, and so on.
    4. wanna quit staring at the chic opposite desk – use these notes. no!! not for ciggarettes!
    5. Dress up in sticky notes
    6. keep a small flame going – Burn them all!!!
    7. Make a small cheap book – Are they free in office??
    8. Make clothes for your pencils and pens
    9. Put small sticky parts on your eyelids and blink your eyes – Aankh Maaro!!!
    10. and ofcourse, you can use them the way they are supposed to be used! To write reminders, dumb!!

    I was recently at a friends place, and saw the complete use of these small tiny papers. This guy has quit his job, and to top it has recently got married. His sticky note read:
    1. Make a LIST. ( ticked)
    2. cross off item number 1. ( ticked again)
    3.
    4. think of the third point to write
    5. surf the net( tick, tick tick…..)
    6. tell wifey “ sent 10 resumes!!!”

    One thing where these post it notes also help is to spy. Want to know what your colleague is upto? Have a sneak peek into his trash bin and read all the torn out notes.

    Want to appear doing, or planning to do a lot of things? Post it all, on these sticky notes and not on twitter!!!

    Well, where did I get this awesome idea of writing a post on post it notes ( pun!! Yeah yeah!!). Again, at a friends place, where she had written quite important things on this yellow paper, and left it in open for the prying eyes. Her note:
    1. Take medicine
    2. eat rusk
    3. buy a washing machine
    4. use the washing machine
    5. buy an iron box
    6. use the iron box everyday
    7. eat breakfast everyday!
    8. things I can’t talk about on this blog!!!

    Well, I just remembered something, let me write it down the notes lest I forget it.

    p.s.: note on the note: “Smoke!”