Tag: funny

  • SRK, You make me fair?

    How influenced do we get with advertising? Let’s say, you go to a bakery, to buy a pack of Wafers. Which one would you buy?

    • The one that you buy everytime?
    • A brand whose ad you recently saw on TV?
    • A brand, whose celebrity endorser, attracts you?
    • One with the most value for money?
    • Whatever is available and catches your eye?
    • Or, Coz you like Kareena, and she is dating Saif, and Saif endorses a particular brand, you pick that one?

    Well, the answer is all the above. All the above factors (barring the last one!) influence you( the Shopper’s decision) in picking up that Rs.5/- pack of Wafers!

    So, getting an SRK to tell you that a particular fairness cream makes you fair is effective? Well, am sure it is, for all the crores that they are paid for a chitku appearance!

    Came across a funny article, on the influence of celebrity brand endorsers, in our daily purchase decisions. Here you go:

    It’s 7.30 in the evening and I am standing here at an overcrowded aisle of a well-lit supermarket. In my hands, I have two bottles of shampoo. Both well-known brands. I can’t make up my mind. All I can remember is that Aishwarya and Shilpa come on television toendorse these. I think both are hot. And the prospect of buying them together excites me deeply. Do they really use these shampoos? I doubt it. Any idiot knows that.

    I think hard. My thinning hair doesn’t really warrant a shampoo. But we need it all the same. In my bathroom there are at least ten different bottles in various stages of use. But there is space for more. Besides, these are new variants. We need this. I have seen how people are more confident when their hair and teeth are shiny. I have a need to be liked.

    I am not gullible though. You can’t fool me. I might not know what ‘dirt busters’ mean, but I always buy detergent with ‘dirt busters’. I bought a front loading washing machine last month. And the front-loading detergent, with the above mentioned ‘dirt busters’ are four times the price of my last detergent. But I buy it all the same. Why should I buy the pigeon droppings that I used to buy earlier? Am I mad? My clothes come out cleaner. They really do. Much, much cleaner than my neighbours when I last compared them in the lift.

    I move to the next aisle. I see my wife peering and reading the labels on breakfast cereal boxes. She picks up the one that Lara Dutta likes. I break in to a smile. I love the ad where she has breakfast in an awesome red sari. Yes, I like Lara Dutta. It’s a solid, smart decision. I ask her for her opinion on the shampoo. She sides with Aishwarya almost instantly.

    My phone rings. I take the call. The call drops after five seconds. It is a mystery. My phone is a smart.  It can make video calls, play television, surf the internet and also make calls. So it must be good. My 3G network provider too is something of a champion. It is characterized by a strange but cuddly creature who is a superhero.  I love those ads.  But I do wish I could make calls more often. I call their customer service everyday. They have become my friends. Though they don’t know why this is happening as well. They are kids, you can’t really blame them. Maybe the superhero gentleman is a little busy. I am sure they will fix these problems. Before people get upset, I mean.

    My wife in the meanwhile has loaded up the cart with essentials that are so very important for our daily existence. Yoghurt, barbeque sauces, expensive cheese and imported coffee for our imported coffee machine. I shrug. These days like most Indians, my disposable income is very high. And I spend all my free time in malls and supermarkets like these. Buying stuff.

    My son walks up to me with a bag of munchies. He wants to buy it because it has got a cartoon animal on it. It is a very cute packet. I buy him two. It gets rid of hunger pangs very efficiently. While I am at it I also buy some biscuits. Do you know that the same company who manufacture my cigarettes also makes my biscuits? They also make shirts, soap, shampoos and snacks! Unbelievable, isn’t it? What people I tell you! They must be super clever to do so many things at once. Really there is so much to learn.

    My wife is done. She hands me a men’s fairness cream that Shahrukh uses. I want the one that John uses. She points out that he really has never had a hit film and it’s incomprehensible why people still use him in ads. She is smart, my wife! I comply.

    We go and stand at the checkout counter. In a matter of seconds the delightful stuff we purchased is billed for and loaded in the boot of our car by a helpful store employee.

    I just bought my car. It’s an international brand. I was told that the engineers cry when they sell it and have to see it go. It must be too good. I am very happy. It doesn’t feel to different from my last car though. But I must be mistaken. What do I know?

    Like any normal person, I took a loan to buy my car. The bank that gave me the loan is very nice. They took great care of me when I was taking the loan. They apparently remember people’s birthdays and give them laddoos. I love laddoos. Now they have become busy. They don’t take my calls that often. They must be really stressed because sometimes they talk a little rudely as well. But I understand. What do I know of how banks work?

    We sit in the car. We have just bought a lot of things that we will now go and stock up the fridge with. My fridge is the same one that Katrina Kaif uses. Katrina must be eating well na? She says this one keeps food fresh for longer. But by next weekend we will throw out most of what we bought and come back to the supermarket again for another great time.

    I would have lost more hair.

    But if my wife starts looking like Aishwarya or Lara, it will be so worth it.

    Trilokjit Sengupta is the CD and one of the founder members of METAL Communications. He has spent almost ten years in advertising and thinks it is enough.

    The link to the article is: http://blog.campaignasia.com/trilokjit-sengupta/trilokjit-sengupta%e2%80%99s-blog-from-the-diary-of-a-complying-consumer/

    Thanks Arun, for Sharing the Article with me.

  • Why do you get married – II

    In continuation to the previous post – Don’t marry! Be happy! ( Line from a famous Telugu movie starring Nagarjuna).

    Well, as I have already stated and made my stand very very clear – don’t ever rush into this whole thing called marriage. These seven pheras, take less than seven minutes to be done, but binds you for seven lives.( okay, at least for this one life, you are bound for life!).

    The big fat Indian wedding is a major event in our culture, and I don’t have the numbers, but am sure it is one of the biggest economy driving events in the country. Just imagine the sheer amount of crazy money spent on these do’s.

    Parents start thinking of it right since their bear a child, girls plan it once they turn 15 (Even Barbie dolls in indian bridal wear is hit), Films and TV make crores and some more crores out of this one saga – -Indian Marriage (Sooraj Barjatya is still counting his crores!).

    Coming to the core of the issue, why do you want to get married? I don’t really have an answer, and have not got a convincing one yet. Here I tell you, why you should not get married –

    Expenses

    It tires me to see that finance guys are the first ones to get married. Guys, now you should be the first ones to know that your expenses shoot up like crazy once you get married. That black sedan you have been eying since long, will now be a longer dream, or even convert to a normal hatchback reality.

    I remember a friend of mine, a girl who recently got married, often saying this – “ After marriage the girls income doubles and the guy’s halves!” Nothing could be truer.

    Okay, I know the dowry system in india works to bypass this negative, but well that is a one time payment! Fin guys, you should know this.

    Compromise

    “Hey dude lets go out to the sports bar today after office to catch up with the ManU match”. I dare not ask this question to a married guy with the fear of being a “jalan par namak chidana”.

    Compromise, as it is defined, is an agreement reached by mutual adjustment and it is impossible to make a marriage work without it. Remember, “Haan maine compromise kiya.. lekin compromise kaun nahi karta?” That is the reality!

    You like Chinese, she likes continental. Compromise. You like Comedy movies, she likes drama? Compromise. Even the remote control to your own 42” LED TV would become a matter of compromise.

    Adventurous

    I happened to meet Akshay Kumar in a Company event yesterday, and a member from the audience very openly asked him – “pehle to theek hai, lekin abhi shaadi aur bache ke baad how do you convince them to agree on your stunts?”. No Answer!

    What? You want to drive down to Nandi hills in the middle of the night after being decently drunk? Go get a divorce lawyer first.

    Friends

    Again, Sorry. Your weekends will all be spent with your wifey, not leaving anytime for a beer binge. On Friday evenings, you would just have to whine at your home and watch TV, while the luckier ones get to drink and play poker all night!

    And well, even if you are able to convince your “better half” of the evening out with friends, be prepared to lose all your money in poker talking on the phone – “yes baby. Will not drink much baby. Will sure get the bread and eggs on the way back!”. So much, that you stand the risk of not being invited again from the next weekend onwards.

    Housework

    Socks lying here and there, and the underwear on the fridge. Get them out immediately dude, you are now married, living with someone who thinks they are the most civilized people on the planet!

    Cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, dusting – all of these become part of your normal life, and in all probability would find way in your weekend timetable!

    Guests

    Wife’s third cousin is in town? You have to host him, and be nice to him. Treat him with all the niceties, and most importantly spend time with him.

    Even your relatives would start expecting that you now behave like a family man, and host people in a similar way.

    Explanations

    You got of your hometown after engineering so that you would not have to explain that late night out and the beer, and now you want to again invite the same discipline back on your head? All the best!

    And well, the most important reason to not get married to seek happiness – it does not last forever.  Even sex starts feeling like bland curry. Diamonds do last forever.

    Disclaimer: These two posts have been written with a funny vein, and I have nothing against marriage. I strongly believe in it, and as they say, the views expressed above are purely blogsake, and I don’t endorse them at all. Don’t sue me!

  • Why do you get married?

    One more of my friend announces that he is now ready to be crucified. Why? Why do people do this to themselves? Do they lose complete hope in life that they resort to such desperate measures to bring back the spark in life?

    Of late, everyday morning, the first thing I get to see on Facebook is congratulatory messages on someone’s wall.

    “Hey Congratulations!, you look so cute together”

    “Congos dude, hav a great life ahead”

    Arrey! Kahan ki great life? He just announced that he is willing to abandon the same great life, and ready to jump into the bandwagon. Did you not read that? He is fuckin’ getting married.

    Know what? I did think about the same? If so many people are getting married, probably there would be something good about it. Alas!

    I was talking to Hari, a friend of mine who had got married a couple of months back, asking him the million dollar question – Why did you get married?

    Me: “you don’t intend to have children any soon. You are both financially independent, and you have also bought your own dishes, and all the white goods, with the linen and curtains, so why did you get married?”

    Hari:  “dude, it is about love and commitment. It is about wanting to spend the rest of you life with that one person, and beginning today!”

    I was surprised at this sudden outburst of frustration wihtin myself, and not one to give up so easily, I retorted –

    “ You must be frikking joking. Who in their right mind would commit to being with someone FOREVER?”, I took a breath, gulping my whole mug of beer.

    “What if five years down the line, the girl does not appeal to you anymore? I guess you would stay with her forever because you promised to. You can’t leave her because then you would be breaking the marital vows, and that be immoral right?”, I uncork one more beer bottle.

    “Nah dude. You don’t get it. Once you know within that she is the one, then that is it, she is the one. The voice within you would speak in itself, and it needs to.”, Hari mutters in as much a calm way as possible, sipping his beer.

    I am still not convinced, I speak again –

    “Look, 90% of the couples just stay married only because of kids, finances, religion, peer and parental pressure, or something like that. If the only thing keeping a couple together is the inconvenience of divorce, then their marriage has already failed. That means romantically-speaking, the overwhelming majority of marriages fail.”, I try finishing half the mug.

    “So, where exactly is the love in it?”, I ask.

    “Well dude, I do not want to talk qbout this any further”, and this time even hari gulps down his whole mug of beer, getting into his thoughtful mode looking at the empty  ( surprisingly!) road next to my balcony with a ciggarette in his hand.

    The problem with these going to be married type is this – they do not talk. Oh! Wait, is this not the statement the wifey is supposed to be making?

    The real reason why the majority gets married is – PRESSURE. Be it parental, peer or even self.

    There are a lot of people who very strongly believe they are not yet ready to tie the nuptial knot, but then fear that they are soon approaching 30, and might have to remain single all their life. So they just jump. Are they happy? Well, you think.

    There are an equal number of guys (am no MCP!) who try running away from marriage as far as possible, but get caught in the whole family, parental pressure and give in.

    For all of you, here is a creative service –

     

    Fictional ad! ( inspired from http://matmaniac.blogspot.com/2011/09/delayshaadicom.html )

    p.s.: this is the first in the 2 post series ranting on marriage.

    Credit: Portland citizenship lawyer

  • Love marriage in India

    This has been happening for quite sometime. Wake up in the morning, log on to your facebook and you see one more notification of someone getting engaged, someone getting married, someone getting laid! (Probably mark should add this functionality too!).

    And obviously so, this is the marriage season on in india, and I belong to this group or this age, where people do generally get married. So, it is nothing but obvious that my friends are all getting hooked.

    Interacting with many of these recently married, or soon to be married couples, gives me one good insight. Get an arranged marriage, and it is just an affair. Dare an affair, and there are lots of things to be arranged. The biggest of them all, convincing parents.

    More the differences, more time consuming it is.

    1. Different caste?

    The most common problem. Everyone, right from the mom and dad, to the door ka uncle, whom you meet only during weddings, and also the kaam wali bai, who needs to know why are you getting married to someone outside your caste. Understandable if you are a parsi, and your community population is dwindling, but not otherwise, they say.

    A reddy girl, cannot marry a choudhary guy. Final. Why? Both the families celebrate the same set of festivals, have similar rituals, follow similar traditions, and even look quite similar. So why? You may ask? A No, is a NO! unless you want your limbs cut off, by one of our factionist brothers from Telangana. (Anyways, the nosed man is not very active these days!)

    2. Different language?

    Again a big obstacle, and a very common one! Come on now, India has about a 1000 languages ( 18 official languages), and liberalization has allowed us to travel across the country. It is obvious that a Tam-Brahm girl would fall in love with a Punju guy ( remember 2 States, by Chetan Bhagat), or a rajasthani girl being pataaofied by a mallu guy! But well, parents on either side would sure be dead against it. Why? Dude, you want your father to be able to atleast communicate to your father in law!

    Living in both Chennai, and Delhi, the difference in life style could not get more starker. They could have been two completely different countries all together. Iraq and America would have more similarities, in every walk of life!

    How do you convince you parents? Show them the beauty of multi cultural interaction, and tell your punju father how it is very important to be learning to save more money from your Tamilian filter coffee drinking, Hindu paper reading father in law!

    3. Different religion?

    All hell breaks lose! WHY? Why? And after many more doubts on proper downloads of sanskar, the mother still asks WHY? Why on earth you, a pious Brahmin boy, who does not eat good things like chicken and mutton at home (and hogs the same like a pig in a hotel with beer!) want to get married to a muslim girl? WHY?

    In this case, the occasional kashmira shawl sales man also needs to be convinced. After all, a muslim girl is going to come next to buy his shawls.

    Remember Veer-Jaara, convince your parents that you are doing all this in for the betterment of the Indian society, and to ensure cross-cultural exposure to your kids! Or maybe, you can just tell them, it is necessary like IIPM has a necessary international exposure!

    Beware, they might just slam you back with Sonia Gandhi’s example, and try showing you logic that only if Rajiv Gandhi had married a hindu girl, the country would have been a lot better now! No Italian dope to the dying BJP!( yeah, and who know, No Bofors case for the CBI. No Q)

    4. Rich – poor divide?

    Now this is a very serious difference.  How can a Raja bhoj, let his daughter get married to a gangu telli? Remember Dulhe Raja? But well, the dulha needs to be determined, and push his way through to the riches and the coffins of his soon-to-be father in law. Whatever it takes.

    This particularly reminds me of a friend, Raju, who recently had to meet his rich girl’s parents to convince them for their marriage. After the initial pleasantries, the soon-to-be father in law (FIL) guided Raju to the study room to get to know him better.

    “So, Raju, What are your plans?” FIL asks Raju

    “I’m an software engineer at Acer, working for the last four years.”, raju replied sheepishly knowing very well that his meager salary of 3.3 lakhs per annum was less than FIL’s daily income.

    “Well, that’s admirable” FIL replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

    “I will work hard, and God will surely provide for us” Raju explained.

    “And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

    “I will work hard, and God will provide for us”

    “And children?” asked the father.  “How will you support children?”

    “Not a worry, sir, God will provide” replied Raju non-chalantly.

    The conversation continued for about 10 more minutes in much the same fashion.

    After Raju left, his girl asked her father what did he feel of Raju?

    “Well, he has no sound job, income and no plans either”, he despairs with the girl looking at him with tension written all across her face.

    “But, the good news is that he thinks I’m God”

    “You can marry him!”, egoistically.

    They are now getting married in June.

    This brings me to the next divide, EGO!

    5. Ego clashes?

    Mohabbatein! If you remember seeing the SRK romantic movie of early 2000’s, you would realize that there is no solid reason for the father Amitabh bacchhan to reject SRK’s candidature. ( This is what marriages have become, one more job opening!). It was just his ego, that he could not let go!

    I wonder, why are most of the parents against the overall concept of a love marriage? I know of a friend, who loved a girl from his same caste, and everything. If he would have applied for an arranged marriage, a good possibility that his parents could have selected the same girl! But they were against this alliance? Surprising!

    It is more to do with the inherent right that parent seem to be losing than anything else. At the birth of a child itself, the parent takes this ordeal of selecting a bride for their son, as their inate right. Now when you, the son, gets a girl on your own, your are stealing them of this right, and they do not want that.

    No parent would accept this, but this seems to be the inherent truth!

    Again, here, persistence is the only way guys!

    6. Age difference?

    Guy elder to girl by any number of years, still okay! Girl elder to guy? Unpardonable. It is an age old custom without any sound logic. In the olden days, it was considered normal for the guy to be atleast 10 years elder to the girl.

    In the good olden days, the men fought wars, while the women filled bindis of water from far off places. In this milieu, it was necessary that the guy crosses a certain threshold of age to get married, and parents of girls have always been desperate to get their daughters married off as quickly as possible.

    A recent study says, that girls tend to age more quickly than guys, and thus to maintain compatibility and also to ensure that the couple looks good together it was necessary that the girl is younger to her husband. A different study also says that women have an average life expectancy atleast 5 years more then men. By this logic,  to avoid the woman from spending more years as a widow, she should be allowed to marry grooms five years younger to her, to ensure death at the same time.

    Ultimately, whatever your parents give as a reason for this, there is no way in which you can overcome this. The girl, if elder to you, is always going to remain so, and the only way to overcome this is to die hard convince your parents.

    I personally think, this norm that guys should be elder to their wives, stem from the inherent need of every male to be dominating, and ensuring younger wife gave them a free license to do this!

    And if this was not enough, Let me remind you that God’s wife is elder to him! (er! Sachin Tendulkar)

    7. Boy – Boy?

    This is something that is very much in fashion of late, and the Indian constitution has recently also legalized it. Now this is one case, where the issue stems due to the lack of a difference, unlike the remaining reason where the issue is due the reasons. Now the basic reason for this issue,  is lack of awareness and an inherent tendency against change that each of us have it within. You father would say, “You marrying a boy? Which boy gets married to a boy? I have not seen anyone being happy after doing this!”

    Probably, our generation, after seeing many a happy gay couples would allow our children to pursue the sexuality and the orientation of their choice!

    Whatever be the reason guys ( and girls!), if the voice within you shouts that yes, “She is the one! She is the one!” No reason or difference( or maybe the lack of it) should stop you from relentlessly pursuing it. Nothing on earth can come between us should be the motto, and watch titanic to gather inspiration.

    Okay! Need more inspiration? Watch any hindi movie, and this would be the theme plot. Want more realistic inspiration? Watch a telugu movie, sans the fights!

    This post is dedicated to Srinivas Jarkula, who is getting married this Sunday in the district capital of KHAMMAM! (Well, it is some obscure place in Andhra!) Wish you guys a very very happy married life!

  • lissten.. sunoooooo

    Quite an eventful april it has been so far. I was home for my birthday, and needless to say, had a blast. India has won the cricket world cup after a good long 28 years. Anna Hazare chose my birthday ( april 5th) to start his fast at jantar mantar, taking away all the limelight from me!

    In all these distractions, I did manage to spend quality time with my younger cousins,  and from them, got a very interesting insight.

    Guys, rather kids, as young as in 6th standard have a facebook account, a twiter handle and a girlfriend!

    Teens, in 9th standard have it clear about their relationships!

    Adolescents in first year college are drinking, smoking and do everything that I started doing only when I was nearing the end of college!

    Young adults, freshly out of college, have a great sense of clarity of what they like, and what they dislike in their relationships!

    This post forms its genesis in one such conversation. What does a guy wish in his girl?

    Unlike girls, we are a very simple species, with a very elementary operating system fixed in our brains. Not complicated at all. Some simple wishes here and there is all that we crave for.

    Listen up ladies: We know you’re keeping secrets from us. And even though you think you’ve got men all figured out, we’re hiding a few things ourselves. There are a little more than a few things, which we would want you to know.

    • Don’t invade our privacy – My cellphone, gmail account and facebook account is something mine. I would not want you to peep into it at the first given moment.
    • Please tell us how you would like us to please you, and trust me, we would not feel dumb! We would try to do everything possible within the limits of time, finances, influence and feasibility.
    • We like you to be a little jealous! A little is the word here. Overtly possessive is not necessary. we need definitions! Jealousy is an ugly thing which only gets worse.
    • you are allowed to be late, we are not!! Why??If you are late it is because you wanted to look great, and if we are late we just don’t care is what you believe. Ever heard of a thing called traffic??
    • Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it, means that he really likes you
    • Calling us cute – okay! Puppies are cute, and so are small little teddy bears. That is the last thing a man would want to be called, and the small man all the more hates it. Now you know we we hate our aunts so much!
    • Licking our ears – My girlfriend is going to hate me for this. But seriously, Ears aren’t cleaned out as often as they should be. Licking them might feel good for a few seconds, but then your tongue just tastes like earwax.
    • Emoticons – seriously. We would just prefer to get a call, and hear you kiss and say I love you, rather than looking at funny pictures in yellow!

    These are just some random things that people have been telling me for ages, and I have just done the chore of pinning them down.

    To all the ladies, these are not my thoughts alone but those that are spoken by a majority of men. I am a firm believer of unconditional love!! No strings attached!

    And all you beautiful women out there, you don’t really need to pay heed to any of these. These are for those other guys, who would want these qualities. For me, I would just fall for you if I hear you listening to the latest daler mehandi song – “listen, suno mere bhai..”