BRAToSPHERE

Category: Mariage

  • Marriage rights in India

    Marriage is quite a funny thing in India. Once a guy hits the age of 23, everyone and his cousin start showing potential suitors to the guy’s parents. This ordeal begins at 21 itself for the girl!

    Someone who has ever had a faint acquaintance with your parents, and his neighbor, would just be interested in one single thing – getting you married. They all just turn into wonderful marriage counselors, match makers to marriage brokers. Sheetal goes through the same episode in her life. Here is a snippet:

    “You know Aparna? She is three years younger to you, and she is getting married next month”, yells twenty eight year old Sheetal’s mom disturbing the peaceful early morning meditative music in the room. “Well, If Aparna was desperately waiting for her legal age of marriage does not mean am jumping into the wagon with her”, Sheetal murmurs within her mind.

    “Every person has different set of priorities in life”, she wants to tell her mom, when her mom snaps back, “Remember Sunita Aunty? She was referring to a nice Punjabi guy she knows. Her Neighbors cousin’s Son. He is in Canada running his own business”.

    “Yes, Running his own Taxi Service am sure. He is probably a UBER driver”, Sheetal murmurs again without being audible, preferring to be silent and leave for her jog rather than pick up a fight early on in the morning.

    “She has become overweight. No wonder she is not getting married. Hope this regular jog helps her! Wahe guru! “, Sheetal hears her neighboring Sapna Aunty talking to her husband. “I AM FAT??? You are sick!” She again murmurs within her mind, and carries on with her jogging without sharing a look with Sapna Aunty.

    Her parents have always been supportive of her dreams and career aspirations, but now they are failing to withstand this surmounting pressure from all directions. They have a daughter with an age when she should be supposedly married and possibly also have a kid or two! Sheetal wants to make her mark in the corporate world, a place that she has fought so hard for?

    What could Sheetal possibly do?  What could her parents possibly do?

    Sheetal’s eventful day obviously does not end with the morning jog.

    Sheetal waves to Ahuja uncle, who is sipping the morning tea with her Father. “Who visits so early in the morning?”, She says to herself.

    Her Mom is busy making breakfast in the kitchen when Sheetal overhears the living room conversation, “Sheetal is in love with another ‘other caste’ boy. I saw her with someone in the Ambience Starbucks” utters Ahuja Uncle sipping tea. Her father just looks and does not say anything.

    “He is my colleague, and we were there for a client meeting”, Sheetal snaps at her Mom. Her Mom just looks at her with disdain, “Once you get married, people will stop talking like this”, and she continued frying the kachoris.

    “Sheetal, we have an appointment with the ophthalmologist at 11 AM today”, Sheetal’s dad reminded her.

    Sheetal pulled the car out of the garage, and zoomed on to the outer ring road, with her dad seated next to her. “What was Ahuja Uncle saying? That boy is Rahul, my colleague!”, she non-chalantly mentioned to her Dad, without taking her eye off from the road.

    “I know beta. But people would keep talking till you get married”, the car crossed Siri Fort.

    “Why do doctors give appointments if they have to make us all wait here forever?”, Sheetal wondered looking at the clock. Just then the attendant called them in.

    Her dad seated on the stool and reading random English letters, when Dr. Gupta started talking, “You should go for Lasik surgery to get rid of the glasses. you would get married immediately”.

    Sheetal looks at him with disgust, still keeping her smile intact. Thankfully her father intervened “F… Z… B… D… E…” increasing the volume of his voice attracting Dr. Gupta’s attention.

    Sheetal did not utter a word for the remaining time in the clinic. “Is this all people could think of? I have a job, a life, my dreams, my aspirations. Is there nothing else that could be spoken of me?”, Sheetal again wondered.

    The drive back home was silent, till her father dialled a number and started talking on the phone. “Sharmaji! Will the next Sunday be okay for the puja? Okay. Please whatsapp the list of items required.”

    Sheetal looks at her father with a quizzical look, and after a brief uncomfortable silence her father blurts out, “SharmaJi, our family pandit? He was on the call. He had warned me that you suffer from kuja dosha; that’s why you are not married yet. And, if you are not married by June you will never ever get married. This Puja would help ward off the dosh”

    “Really! You believe in all this?”, Sheetal looked at her dad with an aghast look. They reached home at the right time, without having any further discussion on this. Well, more had to come and Sheetal would only know this better. She has been living this life for some time now. It has only worsened as time passed.

    “I don’t want to come to the function. I get bored in such places”, Sheetal tried persuading her Mom, a copy of “Scion of Ikshvaku” still in her hands, folded at the page she was reading.

    “Come on Sheetal, it is your uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary party. And such places are good socializing venues for match making. Who knows you might just meet your Mr. Perfect?”, She chided.

    Sheetal agreed reluctantly, only because it was her favourite Uncle. And also, as she had been wanting to chat up with him about the prospects of an MBA abroad. She instantly put on her best ethnic dress, and pulled out the car from the garage.

    The party was at the Radisson hotel, and the drive through the “trafficked” Mahipalpur completely tired Sheetal. There was silence for most part of the journey. She obviously still could not come to terms with the Puja her father mentioned in the afternoon.

    The ballroom-1 was very elegantly decorated and Sheetal settled herself in a quiet corner with a glass of white sparkling wine. She got chatting with her younger cousin, Praks, enquiring about her college, when Lalita aunty interrupted. “How are you doing Sheetal? And How are you Praks?”, she waved at both of them.

    They got chatting and Praks cleverly excused himself out of the conversation. “You should s check out B Blunt parlour at GK-II market. Their facial actually makes you look fair. Boys like fair girls you know!”, Lalita aunty animatedly told Sheetal.

    Sheetal reluctantly smiled in agreement. “Why does she not leave me alone!”, she hoped.

    Sheetal’s mom walks into the conversation, and all three of them start discussing the dressing sense of another lady at the party.

    Sheetal looks towards the bar counter, trying to emulate Praks in escaping the small get together, when Lalita Aunty interrupts, “Sheetal, you should try the somvar vrata. The girl who stays on the lower floor in our complex did that for 16 weeks, and bham! 17th week she is engaged to a rich guy from Jaipur. She is now happily married, and last I heard she is expecting this December. Less than a year post wedding” and everyone starts giggling, except Sheetal whose anger is as clear as the skies on a bright sunny morning.

    Post a relatively uneventful dinner, Sheetal drives back home at 1 AM, along with her Mom and Dad. She changes, brushes her teeth like regular and snuggles into her blanket. Staring at the wall, she wonders, “Is marriage the only solution to get away from this banter all day?“. Sleeping away to wake up to one more “normal” day in a spinster’s life.

    Such is the irony of Indian life. America has just legalized the right for same sex marriage and here we struggle for the right to marry on our choice.

  • The complete test match.. not a One day event!

    On this blog, i keep writing about various things, and most of the time ( not always, do not hold me to this), it reflects my state of mind, and the thoughts that get translated into words.

    This is one article, i so think i should have written. About Marriage and its importance. now i am no sage on marriage, but this article so well connected. Aamir khan, Kudos!

    Let’s give marriage the importance it deserves — in every sense, financial, emotional, mental.

    Marriage is a terribly important part of life. It’s a partnership you form, a companion you choose, hopefully for the rest of your life. Someone who helps you, who supports you and vice versa. The way we view marriage and the way we approach it determines how our life could end up being.

    Today, I want to largely address youngsters, because most of you who are older are already married and for better or worse have already made your choices.

    In India we spend so much of our emotions, thoughts, time and money (that which we have, and that which we borrow), towards marriage. But do we actually spend all this time, effort, money and emotion towards marriage? I think not. In fact we concentrate all of these resources not on our marriage, but on our wedding day.

    “Bade dhoom dhaam se shaadi,” is probably one of the most common phrases in India. There’s so much of emotion, thought, focus, all concentrated on the ‘event’: “How will I look on that one day?” “How will society perceive me and my chosen partner?” “What will they say about the wedding arrangements?” “What will they say about the invitation card?” “What will they say about the food?” “What will they say about the clothes?”

    Now, this ‘they’ we refer to are our friends, our relatives and other people in society whom we are acquainted with, and whom we hope to invite. And most of our energy goes towards making this one day a success. Often, even our choice of spouse is in some way linked with the driving need to make the day perfect. Haven’t all of us heard these statements: “Meri beti engineer se shaadi karegi.” “Meri beti IAS se shaadi kar rahi hai.” “My daughter is marrying an NRI.” We imagine that people admire such choices, and their admiration makes us happy. We allow our choice of spouse to very often be dictated by how people will perceive us. But the hard truth is that ‘they’ are not going to spend the rest of their life with the groom or the bride.

    Sometimes we simply choose the ‘khandaan,’ the family or the aura surrounding the family, and not the individual himself or herself. “My son is marrying so and so’s daughter.” “My daughter is marrying such and such’s son.” We tend to focus, not on the groom or bride but on the label attached to him or her.

    Now let’s examine a few other important aspects of marriage.

    Time

    After we’ve spent the bulk of our time worrying about others’ perceptions, we spend tons of time deciding what to wear. We do intense R&D on honeymoon destinations. We spend time discussing arrangements, menus, guest lists. All of these are great cause for arguments. All this time is being spent in preparation for ‘the day.’ But how much time do we spend on the most critical decision — selecting the correct life partner? Who is the girl I’m marrying? Who is the boy I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with? Don’t we want to know them as human beings? Understand his or her nature, value system? Are we on the same wavelength? Is there compatibility? Does he or she have a sense of humour? Is this the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? Instead of taking ample time to make this very crucial decision, very often, marriages are fixed after just one meeting. “Chalo baat pakki hogayi. Muh meetha karo.”

    In India, most marriages are arranged. We check on the prospective groom’s/bride’s family, caste, home, education, income, bank balance, appearance and complexion. But all of these things are purely superficial. Why don’t we utilise the same time and effort in understanding the human being we are about to (hopefully) spend the rest of our life with?

    Should you agree to spend the rest of your life with someone just because he/she carries an attractive label such as IIT or MBBS? Is one marrying the person or the label? Shared interests, like-mindedness, companionship, shared sensibility, sense of humour — shouldn’t all this matter?

    Money

    We spend a lot of money on the wedding day. The rich spend beyond measure — each competing with the other in extravagance. The middle class or working class pours all its earnings and savings into the wedding. If you have the money, by all means decide how you want to spend it. But for those who are not wealthy, for whom every rupee earned is precious, for whom a daughter’s wedding means pouring everything you have earned, or saved, it means breaking fixed deposits, selling assets and taking loans. Instead of spending all that money on the wedding day, why not decide to take the amount set aside for the girl’s wedding and give it to her to use to kick-start her new life with her spouse? Instead of that lavish function, why not just have a simple, sharbat wedding and give the girl the money instead? It will be so useful for her life? I believe sharbat weddings are a great idea. Call as many people as you desire, serve them a soft drink and say thank you for coming and for blessing the newlyweds.

    Have fun. Enjoy the day. Make merry. But with simplicity.

    Youngsters, tell your parents, “We don’t want a big function. Let me use the money for something important that helps my life. Let me use the money to invest in building the foundation for a happy married life.”

    Emotions

    All our emotions are trained on ‘that day.’ What will happen on that day? What will people think and say? How happy will I be that day? Will the day be memorable? But instead, should we not be thinking of how we will feel for the next 40 years of married life? Let’s not barter one day of happiness for a lifetime of unhappiness. Our emotions need to be invested not in that one day, but in a lifetime.

    Think about life ahead, not just that one day. Let’s give marriage the importance it deserves — in every sense, financial, emotional, mental. Let’s give it our time, emotions and energies to plan those years that lie ahead. Therefore, the key is the person you have chosen as your life partner. That is the only element you should be thinking of and no other. And please take your time over that decision. Understand, probe, check, go deep. The better you do this, the happier life is likely to be. Take the step of marrying only when you are fully satisfied about the character and temperament of the person you are marrying.

    Dowry I am totally opposed to. This is a retrograde practice, and also illegal. Think about it — can a relationship, built on the foundation of money and greed, ever be meaningful or beautiful? Should we not invest in our daughter’s education instead of saving up for her dowry? Make her so accomplished and independent that she is capable of crafting her own future, and becomes the master of her own happiness. Then she won’t need a greedy, useless groom to complete her life. Let her marry a person who respects her. Let her marry a man who she believes is worthy of her. Whom she is happy to spend the rest of her life with.

    Satyamev Jayate!

    Knowing well, that most of my friends do not read The Hindu ( where the article is published), i deemed it necessary to republish the entire content.

  • Fail the Lock

    An article in the Times of India today got me thinking –

    Pooja, an attractive Marwari girl, lives life on her terms

    … she settled for an engineer plus MBA type with a good Singapore job, a prospect meticulously arranged by a network of relatives. And that is how she ended up with a banking career and a failed marriage. (He snored, followed his mother’s dictum, lost heavily in the stock market and came home to slumberland). Pretty soon, she was out of there, with a lot of family support and very little alimony…

    (Source : TOI )

    Today’s woman. Who lives life on her own terms! She has put in no less effort than a man, in building her world, and wants to live it in her own way!

    It is the Indian Man who still needs to come to terms with this fact. For long, for us Indians, women are supposed to be married off maximum by the age of 25, and working or not, are supposed to be taking care of all the household chores. That is how it has been, and it works perfectly in the favour of men.

    What really tickled me, and interested me, were the reasons mentioned in the bracket for the failed marriage – He snored, followed his mother’s dictum, lost heavily in the stock market and came home to slumberland.

    1. He Snored – Now is that such a serious offence that it leads to a failed marriage? You can just go to the next room to sleep, or maybe just get used to the snore sounds. Big Deal. What if you stay in a house close to the railway track, or the sea? You do get used to the Sounds of the train and the sounds of the Waves all night right?
    1. Followed his mother’s dictum – it is called respect, and speaks volumes of his upbringing. The first lady in his life is his mother, and she has taken care of him since ever. She is now old, and deserves every bit of attention from him. So what if he listens to her? Should he not? If he does not, then that could be a very valid reason for the so called “failed marriage” not if he does!
    1. Lost heavily in the stock market – The very foundation of a marriage is that the partner would be the support during both happy times and sad times. Now if he has lost heavily in the stock market, he is going through a bad time. If that makes it a reason for you to dump him, and make it more worse for him, God save him. The guy should actually feel lucky that it resulted into a failed marriage, rather than waiting for an even worse time. Now at least it is clear!

     

    1. Came home to slumberland – Why is that a reason at all? Not coming home to sleep can be a reason! After a hard day at office, all that one wants is to retire to the bed. You, a working woman, of all people should understand this completely. And you term this as a reason for a failed marriage? What do you expect?

    These are the reasons that the present day modern couples need to end their marriage! What a sham!!

  • Why do you get married – II

    In continuation to the previous post – Don’t marry! Be happy! ( Line from a famous Telugu movie starring Nagarjuna).

    Well, as I have already stated and made my stand very very clear – don’t ever rush into this whole thing called marriage. These seven pheras, take less than seven minutes to be done, but binds you for seven lives.( okay, at least for this one life, you are bound for life!).

    The big fat Indian wedding is a major event in our culture, and I don’t have the numbers, but am sure it is one of the biggest economy driving events in the country. Just imagine the sheer amount of crazy money spent on these do’s.

    Parents start thinking of it right since their bear a child, girls plan it once they turn 15 (Even Barbie dolls in indian bridal wear is hit), Films and TV make crores and some more crores out of this one saga – -Indian Marriage (Sooraj Barjatya is still counting his crores!).

    Coming to the core of the issue, why do you want to get married? I don’t really have an answer, and have not got a convincing one yet. Here I tell you, why you should not get married –

    Expenses

    It tires me to see that finance guys are the first ones to get married. Guys, now you should be the first ones to know that your expenses shoot up like crazy once you get married. That black sedan you have been eying since long, will now be a longer dream, or even convert to a normal hatchback reality.

    I remember a friend of mine, a girl who recently got married, often saying this – “ After marriage the girls income doubles and the guy’s halves!” Nothing could be truer.

    Okay, I know the dowry system in india works to bypass this negative, but well that is a one time payment! Fin guys, you should know this.

    Compromise

    “Hey dude lets go out to the sports bar today after office to catch up with the ManU match”. I dare not ask this question to a married guy with the fear of being a “jalan par namak chidana”.

    Compromise, as it is defined, is an agreement reached by mutual adjustment and it is impossible to make a marriage work without it. Remember, “Haan maine compromise kiya.. lekin compromise kaun nahi karta?” That is the reality!

    You like Chinese, she likes continental. Compromise. You like Comedy movies, she likes drama? Compromise. Even the remote control to your own 42” LED TV would become a matter of compromise.

    Adventurous

    I happened to meet Akshay Kumar in a Company event yesterday, and a member from the audience very openly asked him – “pehle to theek hai, lekin abhi shaadi aur bache ke baad how do you convince them to agree on your stunts?”. No Answer!

    What? You want to drive down to Nandi hills in the middle of the night after being decently drunk? Go get a divorce lawyer first.

    Friends

    Again, Sorry. Your weekends will all be spent with your wifey, not leaving anytime for a beer binge. On Friday evenings, you would just have to whine at your home and watch TV, while the luckier ones get to drink and play poker all night!

    And well, even if you are able to convince your “better half” of the evening out with friends, be prepared to lose all your money in poker talking on the phone – “yes baby. Will not drink much baby. Will sure get the bread and eggs on the way back!”. So much, that you stand the risk of not being invited again from the next weekend onwards.

    Housework

    Socks lying here and there, and the underwear on the fridge. Get them out immediately dude, you are now married, living with someone who thinks they are the most civilized people on the planet!

    Cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, dusting – all of these become part of your normal life, and in all probability would find way in your weekend timetable!

    Guests

    Wife’s third cousin is in town? You have to host him, and be nice to him. Treat him with all the niceties, and most importantly spend time with him.

    Even your relatives would start expecting that you now behave like a family man, and host people in a similar way.

    Explanations

    You got of your hometown after engineering so that you would not have to explain that late night out and the beer, and now you want to again invite the same discipline back on your head? All the best!

    And well, the most important reason to not get married to seek happiness – it does not last forever.  Even sex starts feeling like bland curry. Diamonds do last forever.

    Disclaimer: These two posts have been written with a funny vein, and I have nothing against marriage. I strongly believe in it, and as they say, the views expressed above are purely blogsake, and I don’t endorse them at all. Don’t sue me!

  • Why do you get married?

    One more of my friend announces that he is now ready to be crucified. Why? Why do people do this to themselves? Do they lose complete hope in life that they resort to such desperate measures to bring back the spark in life?

    Of late, everyday morning, the first thing I get to see on Facebook is congratulatory messages on someone’s wall.

    “Hey Congratulations!, you look so cute together”

    “Congos dude, hav a great life ahead”

    Arrey! Kahan ki great life? He just announced that he is willing to abandon the same great life, and ready to jump into the bandwagon. Did you not read that? He is fuckin’ getting married.

    Know what? I did think about the same? If so many people are getting married, probably there would be something good about it. Alas!

    I was talking to Hari, a friend of mine who had got married a couple of months back, asking him the million dollar question – Why did you get married?

    Me: “you don’t intend to have children any soon. You are both financially independent, and you have also bought your own dishes, and all the white goods, with the linen and curtains, so why did you get married?”

    Hari:  “dude, it is about love and commitment. It is about wanting to spend the rest of you life with that one person, and beginning today!”

    I was surprised at this sudden outburst of frustration wihtin myself, and not one to give up so easily, I retorted –

    “ You must be frikking joking. Who in their right mind would commit to being with someone FOREVER?”, I took a breath, gulping my whole mug of beer.

    “What if five years down the line, the girl does not appeal to you anymore? I guess you would stay with her forever because you promised to. You can’t leave her because then you would be breaking the marital vows, and that be immoral right?”, I uncork one more beer bottle.

    “Nah dude. You don’t get it. Once you know within that she is the one, then that is it, she is the one. The voice within you would speak in itself, and it needs to.”, Hari mutters in as much a calm way as possible, sipping his beer.

    I am still not convinced, I speak again –

    “Look, 90% of the couples just stay married only because of kids, finances, religion, peer and parental pressure, or something like that. If the only thing keeping a couple together is the inconvenience of divorce, then their marriage has already failed. That means romantically-speaking, the overwhelming majority of marriages fail.”, I try finishing half the mug.

    “So, where exactly is the love in it?”, I ask.

    “Well dude, I do not want to talk qbout this any further”, and this time even hari gulps down his whole mug of beer, getting into his thoughtful mode looking at the empty  ( surprisingly!) road next to my balcony with a ciggarette in his hand.

    The problem with these going to be married type is this – they do not talk. Oh! Wait, is this not the statement the wifey is supposed to be making?

    The real reason why the majority gets married is – PRESSURE. Be it parental, peer or even self.

    There are a lot of people who very strongly believe they are not yet ready to tie the nuptial knot, but then fear that they are soon approaching 30, and might have to remain single all their life. So they just jump. Are they happy? Well, you think.

    There are an equal number of guys (am no MCP!) who try running away from marriage as far as possible, but get caught in the whole family, parental pressure and give in.

    For all of you, here is a creative service –

     

    Fictional ad! ( inspired from http://matmaniac.blogspot.com/2011/09/delayshaadicom.html )

    p.s.: this is the first in the 2 post series ranting on marriage.

    Credit: Portland citizenship lawyer